While I was in Geraldton on the December 12, 2017, my wife, of eight years, decided to end the marriage and she didn’t want me back in Perth. I tried to talk with her, but she hung up. She wanted a divorce!

This was shattering and where I really fell into a dark hole.

I was basically homeless and couldn’t go back to Carnarvon as our home was being leased.

My brother-in-law said I could stay with him as long as I wanted. He really felt for my situation.

I was too distressed to think and so decided to leave. I packed what I had and headed for Perth. There was not much in that, really, as I had nowhere to go. My stroke head seemed to be boiling a bit like a thermostat when a car is overheating. I was confused and didn’t know what to do. It was all very gut-wrenching.

I didn’t feel my wife would do this. It was a very terrible knock-back to me.

On the way to Perth, I found a unit in a caravan park in Greenhead. I got drunk and collapsed into bed.

Help From an Old Friend

The next morning, I rang an old friend. I told him my problem and I asked to stay with him until I could sort myself out. I was relieved and he played a crucial role in helping me up, more than he knows.

I stayed with him until after Christmas.

During this time, I rang Good Samaritans and Lifeline. They were engaged and being Christmas there were no professional counsellors available.

I fell deeper into this dark hole of depression, sadness, and despair. Up until then I felt I had been managing my pain and misery quite well. This bombshell brought me to a whole new level of hurt.

Before my sadness would come and go but now it was extreme and would not go away. The ‘Give up Door’ was open and asking me to come in. I was defeated. I knew I was in deep shit. I had never experienced, nor even knew, of so much gloom, hurt, dejection and despair.

Dark Thoughts

I began to plot and plan a way out. It seemed dying was my only answer. I wanted to make my death look like an unfortunate accident. I had every angle covered and it wouldn’t involve anyone else. I actually felt calmer as I schemed how to make my own disaster work.

My brain was telling me this way out was where I would see light, but I know it wasn’t light, it was pitch black. I didn’t speak to a soul and kept my idea to myself.

I needed help and I wasn’t okay!

I realized there would be help in Perth through my stroke rehab contacts. I still had my shit goggles on, which meant I couldn’t see clearly, and everything was super negative.

The Doctor

Throughout this story, ‘Doors of Hope’ keep appearing in the form of people and here was another. It was a good friend – a Doctor – from Nigeria. Thankfully, he came along just when I was at the very end. He understood what I was going through, and he consistently rang me up and never, never let up. He was a major part of hope. He connected me to a friend of his who was living on his own and who would understand what I was going through.

Now I had a place to stay.

Again, I felt saved.

My emotions were constantly on a roller coaster. It was exhausting. I was much eased and very thankful for the accommodation and companionship from them both. They also played a major part in helping me dig myself out of the dark hole I was in.

At this time, I got professional help for unhappiness. That was in February 2018.

I was served my divorce papers.

I now had to sort out all the trouble that goes with that. I found a lawyer, but it was very difficult to explain because of cognitive inefficiencies and Dysphasia caused by my stroke. In other words, I took a long time to explain the situation about all of my affairs, e.g., superannuation, land, money, house, shares etc. It was bewildering!

I told my lawyer that it would be so much less stressful for me to give my wife the lot, rather than my trying to sort things out.

In the previous two years, I had had a major stroke, I was made redundant, I was forced to relocate, I was homeless, my income protection had run out, and I was going through a divorce.

It was devastating and all too much.

I knew at this point my brain was overheating. I was being pushed to my limit. All I wanted to do was walk away. I still kept at the back of my mind-my exit plan.

Fortunately, the lawyer, being the good person that she was, wouldn’t listen to me and explained that she would walk me through it.

She took my folders and put them in the corner of her office. She made me leave everything and told me to go away – but call her when I was ready.

She was very patient and kind and spent time giving me warm counsel.

I was living in Cottesloe, Perth, at this time. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and walk. I wanted to keep walking and walking. I used to go twice a day and spend a long-time trudging along the sand. I used to look for shells but not the broken ones. It became important for me to find perfect ones. These hours on the beach made me exhausted and hungry so when I returned home, I’d sleep.

This ritual of wandering in the fresh air for hours on end seemed to help my mental state.

(to be continued …)