I experienced a broad range of emotions during my stay in the hospitals. These emotions were all new to me. Certainly, I was frustrated because I couldn’t talk or walk and at the same time, I was guilty because I wasn’t at work. Work had always been, and for most men of my age is, a particularly important part of life. If I couldn’t work, how was I to define myself?

I felt regretful that I was wasting time in hospital. I was also doubtful about my job as I was worried that I could no longer do it. I was sad and anxious as I was in Perth and my family and friends were in Carnarvon.

The Black Dog

Depression

I felt grateful for the help that I received during my time in hospital. I had never experienced depression before. I know that people have suffered from it, but I never guessed that I would be one of them. I had of course been sad or unhappy but had always got through it. Whilst in hospital I would feel moments of extreme sadness waving over me. I wouldn’t or couldn’t tell anybody. It was like a rising tide and then after an hour or so the tide would go out and I would return to being a stroke victim. I had to push myself away from depression and concentrate on learning to walk and talk again.

These tidal waves would inflame and cover me. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for their coming and going. Nevertheless, they were very real, but I kept them behind closed doors and didn’t tell a soul.

My depression seemed like there was a door in my mind that was tempting me to go through and give up. It was a ‘give up door’. My mind was already messed up with the stroke and this door was a whole new level of hurt and confusion. I kept flirting with this ‘give up door’ and kept wanting to go through it, so that I could give up on life.

Now, after I have gone through all this, I have learned that depression is a whole new level of sadness. It is a total, hopeless state of
mind. I can understand why it is called the ‘Black Dog’.

In Royal Perth I received therapy.

I needed it, as I was not able to function. A large part of my brain had been destroyed and therapy was essential to restore new pathways so I could re-learn skills.

(to be continued …)